STICKIN TOGETHER

Worse feeling I've had in a while. Done everything I could to hold everything down. People you put your trust in betray you but WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

This world is really about YOU doing YOU. Unlike back in the early days nobody sticks up for you, Everybody too busy.

I hate myself right now, having fallen short of being the best I could. What other people in your life does, fucks up what you tryna do. That's fucked up when two "COMMITTED" people not on the same wave length.



7/2/13

what do we really know?

I can't be mad at nobody why my life is what it is. I was born when I was to serve a purpose in the scheme of life.

What is it all about this thing we in? I wish I knew but I guess that's what makes it sweet. We don't really know why anything. We think we do. We kid ourselves into believing other people's concepts which are born out of pure fear and doubt.

What is it that we really know? Think about that for a moment and you will realize how little we actually do know.

the inevitable will inevitably happen

When I move on to the next level or anybody for that matter, you don't know what that's all about. My thoughts are that you make the best of your time now. This is all that's truly real, if this is real, whatever that means.

It is what it is and that is we experience this time here on earth, in this form once and only once. Make the most of it. Live it out. That's what I been doing and will continue.

blessings flow...

My blessings have flowed from since whenever I remember.

It seems that although I wasn't born with the proverbial silver spoon in my mouth, they (those blessings) came from someplace.

I can't recall ever wanting for anything. Of course throughout my life I've had many ups and downs; low cash to no cash on hand, but I've always had the basics: food. clothing, and shelter.

So what more could I ask for?

CAN'T YOU TELL? I'M A VIRGO!

Star-gazers forecasting and predicting my astrological chart told me many years ago that my 12th House Moon revealed that WOMEN would be the cause of my self-undoing. I didn't understand that analysis for just as many years ago when it was first read, but now I know:

The key WOMEN in my life although being beneficial to my well-being, at crucial times in my life, when I needed them to step up to the plate, they FUCKED UP and left me hanging out to dry.

SCENES FROM LOWER MANHATTAN

THE AFRICAN BURIAL GROUNDS

BUT I'M NOT MAD THOUGH

I keep telling myself I don't care but somewhere deep inside of me my mother's vindictive spirit, or is it my own keeps saying one day that bitch gonna come crawling back to me like a dog returning to his vomit. Not that I'm nasty like that but that bitch gonna need me before I need her.

I keep telling myself I'm not mad but somewhere deep inside of me my mother's anger issues are boiling to the explosive level and I'm bout ready to slap the shit out of a stupid ass bitch that I placed on a pedestal that came crumbling down to the ground.

fatherhood

There  is great joy in being a father. I love my children dearly, more than anything, even though they get on my last nerves, at times and make me want to take my talents elsewhere, where I won't have to keep talking to them and repeating myself over and over again. I wish they would get it the first time around and save me my voice for something else.

But I wouldn't trade them for all the tea in China, or all the gold in Fort Knox, although I would have to think about the gold a little longer, just in case I could.

LONG LIVE THE KING...

6/25/13

The King of Pop lead a pretty sad life to me. It was very unlike a king at all. One thing it showed me was that the stigma of self-hatred truly exists among a vast majority of Black people. As a result of the evils of slavery Black people, unknown to many of them/us have suffered tremendously in their lives.

SCENES FROM DOWNTOWN BROOKLYN

 THE OLD DIME SAVINGS BANK

feet don't fail me now

6/24/13

Take the money and run as far away as you can. Don't look back. Don't even care if they ever see you again. Just go live a life away from those people who you once knew or at least thought you knew anyway. Now that you look back on it you really didn't. Now I wonder WHAT IF? What if you had just let her get taken by the boogie man? You would never have known how things turned out. It probably would have been different anyway. You the only one that shit like that happen to.

maternal instinct

6/23/13


P.D.D. has always been a fighter. From day one she has had an instinct to defend herself from the elements. She has been a true member of the family. True because family is her first love. Family fills her with such emotion it makes her cry. I sometimes forget that she has come from a mighty long way; that she has endured a lifetime of hardships that have made her a warrior.

what might have been

6/22/13


At times I wonder what it would have been like if our relationship had of survived the ups and downs that happened. I'm happy but could I be any happier than I am now? But at the same time that I'm this happy, I'm also this sad because I'm still in love with her. I still feel, I still know she loves me too.

LOOKING BACK

6/21/13


 Lafayette Avenue has a lot of fond memories. Linda Jones comes to mind. I loved her smile but mostly her big butt caught my attention. Even at the tender age of twelve I couldn't help but notice it. She wasn't a bad looking girl and her dad owned a dry cleaner store. Curley's Cleaners.

A PARK IN BROWNSVILLE

compassion means...

...caring about something or someone when they are going through life's ups and downs.

When applied to a thing, you care about what happens  to, or with that thing. Okay, maybe you can't have compassion for a thing , unless that thing is an animal or insect or some being like that, which you cannot call human.

I have compassion for my children because I care about what happens to them in their lives, e.g., one day I won't be there for them.

I remember when I thought I wanted___________but now I realize...

...I wanted to have the love of my wife forever. But now I realize that NOTHING is forever. Not that I didn't know that already. I MEANT as long as it lasted. I guess I wanted us to be an item, a couple, husband and wife, until DEATH do us part; just like the vows we took before the MOST HIGH IN 1994.

But now I realize that everything is as it should be. I couldn't be happier!

ALL I want to do RIGHT NOW IS...

...TO PLAN MY WORK, AND WORK MY PLAN, WHICH IS TO SELF-PUBLISH A POETRY CHAPBOOK BY YEAR'S END. IDEALLY I WOULD LIKE TO GET IT DONE BY MY 65TH BIRTHDAY WHICH IS IN SEPTEMBER. WOW! WHERE HAVE THE YEARS GONE?

I know, I've been here for most of them.

BESIDES THE CHAPBOOK I PLAN A WRITER'S RETREAT AND TO VISIT A FEW HISTORIC PLACES AROUND OHIO.

I PLAN TO TAKE MY NICHE (POETRY) UP TO THE NEXT LEVEL. I SEE A BYLINE IN MY FUTURE!

TO GIVE OR RECEIVE RESPECT MEANS...

...that you are flipping over a coin that is double-sided. You must recognize that in order to get respect (receive) you must give respect. That is basically how it works.

But conversely, the ideal is that whether or not someone is disrespectful to you, you must continue to respect them. Yes, you must give respect to get it, but you must not withhold it as a retaliation for that person not holding up their side of the coin.

in order to GROW AS A PERSON, I must LET GO OF...

...all my thoughts of getting some type of revenge on my X. Not that I'm a malicious, vengeful person, but I want her to pay for the pain and suffering that she has caused our family.

"Vengeance is mine saith the Lord," but I be sometimes praying that it will be sooner and not later, and that I would have the pleasure of having her grovel. 

But those things are not in my control and so I must stop harboring these thoughts and let fate take its course naturally!

3 things I HOLD DEAR TO ME...WHY?

My life, health and strength are the 3 things I hold dear. These things are a no-brainer because they are central to my whole existence ; everyone's existence, in fact. Without these things nothing else is even possible.

At first thought some material things were creeping into my mind, but I quickly realized that material things do not hold substance when compared to what I cherished most. I love my life!

Write a letter to your pain (PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL)

DEAR HEART

TAKE COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT THE CYCLE OF LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING WILL SOON SWING BACK IN A POSITIVE DIRECTION TO YOU. YOU HAVE ENDURED OH THESE MANY YEARS THUS FAR. BUT JUST AS SURE AS IT WAS IN PAST YEARS WHEN YOUR JOY CAME IN THE MORNING AND SUDDENLY ENDED, KNOW THAT THIS CYCLE WILL REPEAT ITSELF AND YOU WILL HAVE LOVE AGAIN.

UNDERSTAND THIS: AS IT WAS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

CLOSE YOUR EYES. CONSIDER THE LAST 24 HOURS:

WHAT MOMENT OR EVENT STANDS OUT? WHY? EXPLORE THE EMOTIONS ATTACHED TO THIS.
==============================================

This prompt is so appropriate for today that it's unbelievable.

When I closed my eyes I could only recall the last 2 hours of the day that were uppermost in my mind. My baby daughter was distraught and frustrated over not being able to effectively communicate with her mother, my estranged wife. Needless to say, communication was never established and what ensued was a buffoonish episode of loud and obnoxious ranting that did not resolve anything.

Without going into details, the whole thing turned into a fiasco that will surely lead to more confusion and less communication. What ensued was a gut-wrenching ordeal for a little girl who was only trying to express her feelings and let her feelings and let her wishes be known. Personally I stepped outside of myself with anger that I have never known. It took me a few hours to get myself under control. Afterwards I was able to realize that there is no conversation with a fool

To be FULLY ALIVE right NOW i...

...need to have everything running smooth and even. I need to be following a schedule that is working. This means that what I should be doing at 8 or 9 or whatever time it is, I should be doing that. That's what makes me fully alive. Granted the timing will be slightly off by a few minutes give or take, but the event should be taking place as planned. This is the way it should be happening every day.

NOW I... back THEN I...

...can see clearly where the things I were doing were selfish and irresponsible. I had a good thing going, and my life was headed on a smooth course of love, trust and understanding between me and my girl...



...couldn't see the forest for the trees. My nature of the beast took control and my only concern was how much pussy I could get. I made every excuse in the book to justify my pursuit of carnal desires and satisfaction, and it cost me dearly.

A WEEK FROM NOW I WANT...

to be closer to my goals I've set for 2015. One day at a time I'm taking the steps I need to get there. It seems like slow going because it really is hour by hour, but I still have to be diligent in my pursuit. As always I must keep my nose to the grindstone. It is so easy to get side-tracked because there are so many other things going on that are competing for attention. But at the end of the day I want to have forged ahead to the next step.

I LIMIT MYSELF WHEN...

I consciously stay away from the women I encounter. I have always been a man given to excesses when it came to women, but I limit myself to none. While I have been here in Ohio my aggressive nature has been under wraps. I realize that it would be defeating my purpose if I was to bring a woman into the picture surrounding my already mentally injured daughters. For that reason alone I have taken it upon myself to draw a line to maintain our family sanity.

when i close my eyes i hear...

..."my train a-coming." Like Jimi Hendrix said. Not in the same light, however, for Jimi was foreseeing something tragic to happen because of the lifestyle of drugs and living- on- the- edge type of life he lead. But I hear my train a-coming because I'm getting older now. I will be 65 on my next birthday, so my mortality becomes more of an issue with each passing day. All I can do now is live life to the fullest and get on board at the station. NEXT STOP!

MY FAVORITE SCENT IS...WHY?

My favorite scent is baby powder, especially the body oil. I love that smell of a newborn baby whose skin is just oozing with the smell of Johnson's Baby Oil. The one I use is what I buy from street vendors who deal in selling various scents of body oils. Since the birth of my first born that smell has meant the scent of new life. That smell was so special to me, particularly after the devastating loss of my very first seed. It revitalized me and helped me to accept life's fate.

The most beautiful sound in the world...

...is the sound of my heart beat as it resounds throughout my entire being. The heart is the principle thing; our life force. When it stops beating our life ceases as well. When I feel that pounding in my chest, I know that the spirit of the Most High is still within my soul. I am thankful that I have been blessed in my life thus far; the Most High has brought me a mighty long way.

the most meaningful gift i ever received...

was the gift of life. Not only my life, but the life of every one of my children and now my first grandchild. Life is a blessing from the Most High. Your children and their children and so on and on becomes an extention of your own life. My seed takes me into the next generation and makes my name special in this world. But life is short. It only lasts for a moment. So since I got this gift which I never asked for I'm gonna live it to the fullest.

  

LETTER OF COMFORT

Write a LETTER OF COMFORT to the child you once were who endured hardship or suffering.
=====================================================================

Dear Bobby;

Be not dismayed or discouraged because your mother is away from you at this time. She is in New York, yes but she is there trying to prepare a place for you and your sister to come there, to meet her soon where you will have a home of your own. She has not abandoned you and I promise that she will send for you very soon where all of you will be together as one big happy family.

HOW CAN I BE CONTENT WITH WHERE I AM?

So far I have been sticking to my guns. I'm content to be a writer/blogger. My writing projects are coming along well. I am slowly but surely headed towards

my goal of publication. By the close of this year I will have, if I stick to my plan, published my first chapbook. I have learned over the years not to ask for anything. I am full content with what comes my way. As long as that is my attitude, and it has been for years now, I will have the best come to me.